Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
27 entries this month
Damn it!
07:35 Jun 28 2007
Times Read: 929
Tonight I am more then just emotional, I think I would have
overdosed
on emotions by now!
...if it was possible that is...
I seriously don't see how anyone can stand me right now, especially Brett.
I feel horrible because my emotions come out the most with him.
I think it is because every time he says something that could be taken the wrong way, I see it as the wrong way... the worse possible way, actually. And he deals with it...
I don't understand why!
I know he loves me and I love him... but still!
Some Kind of Good News
04:06 Jun 28 2007
Times Read: 932
Well I have some good news. I am no longer worried about if I am going to be able to make it to Nashville or not. My mom said she will get me down there, even if it means sending me on a greyhound and my car being brought down later on. Wow! Can you imagine how uncomfortable that will be? Being a women who is 5 months pregnant and on an 11-13 hour bus ride... that's going to suck, big time! I am desperate to see Brett though and I will do it, as long as I think I can survive the whole trip. But bottom line there is I will be getting to Nashville, one way or another.
I have some more numbers to call tomorrow morning about the part for my car. Brett called around Nashville and even if the junkyards don't up here, they have it down there for $30. Not bad! Or at least I don't think it is a bad price... I may be wrong though.
The irritating news is... I got upset with Brett tonight a couple of times.
He keeps on stating what time we are getting off the phone, over and over and over again. It makes me feel like he doesn't even want to be on the phone with me or talk to me period sometimes. I was just joking tonight... he started getting mad, well irritated with me. So I told him not to worry about calling me back tonight, and I would talk to him tomorrow evening. *sniffles* I am regretting it now. I hate it when I get upset with him. I can't sleep and I feel awful. I am actually thinking of calling him and apologizing before he goes to bed.
The other thing that got on my nerves tonight is he is basically hoping when I get down there, everything will change with Nagey. He's hoping Nagey and I will sit down, talk everything out, and he will be able to live with us for a while... like we originally planned. I hate to say this but it is pissing me off. I am paranoid about trusting Nagey. That's not going to change. I actually don't want him around me. The only reason I am going down is because I miss Brett bad enough to deal with the paranoia until the end of July. I am stubborn on it and I usually don't go back on my word. I don't care to get a three bedroom apartment if we don't have to and I do want Nagey out before the baby is born. The last thing I will need is worrying about someone in the apartment I don't trust to full extent and taking care of our newborn. And as I told Brett, if we get a two bedroom apartment, the other bedroom is off limits and is for the baby, well the baby's stuff for now. But we are getting a kitten so I refuse to let the cat get on the baby's stuff. Plus I will be getting it ready with him as it gets closer to the baby's arrival.
Another thing, doesn't he understand that after him putting the whole situation *as in deciding and taking care of it* on me, that I am not going to change my mind that easily? Nagey has been there since late December, hasn't there been enough chances the past six months? And yes, he has been there six months... I am actually upset with myself for not saying something sooner, because it might have saved some stress and tears.
When I get down there, I will be avoiding Nagey. I know I will. I won't care to discuss this matter any more. I hope they realize that before I do get down there. Because if not, I will not be too pleasant to live with... I guess that is the nice way of putting it. But I will be nice enough to just tell them both, if it comes down to it, to get away from me. At this point in time, I don't want to be around Nagey. If Brett tries to force me to be around him, then it will be just as bad as my mother trying to force me around my sister. Damaged trust in each situation, and they would be comparable. I don't want to hurt Brett by telling him to get away though. If that's the case, I will tell Nagey, the sooner he leaves the better. Because then he would be causing problems between Brett and me. I just wonder if Brett knows I would tell him that. Maybe I should have him read this entry... I think I will call him.
PRIVATE ENTRY
01:11 Jun 26 2007
Times Read: 938
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
The Situation as it Stands!
08:21 Jun 24 2007
Times Read: 939
The conversation so far to a horrible situation to begin with...
My original message on MySpace:
Hey, I need to know something. Since Brett and I are planning on moving, we need to know whether you are planning on living with us when the baby is born or not and we need to know something that is permanent. I need to know within a couple of days your answer. I am looking at apartments online and we are planning on moving in August. We are not getting a three bedroom, if we don’t need to. But if we get a two bedroom, the other room is going to be the baby’s so the kitten doesn’t get on anything. If you are planning on staying with us, you have until October 1st of this year to get your information and a job. Brett will get you your birth certificate and identification card. The only conditions are you show the effort or we will discuss our options at the time and between now and the time you get a job, you keep the apartment decent, meaning picking up things, dishes when there is enough to do a full load, and the trash. Let me know something by Sunday, please. If you don't respond to this by Sunday, we will assume you are moving out. If you don't respond, then you have until the Monday, July 23rd to make arrangements and move out.
Tiffany
His response:
Tiffany where else am i going to go. i have no where else to go at the moment nor will i by the end of july and i don't see that changing anytime soon. well that is unless well im not saying anything yet as for the current moment i have no where else to go. as for a job i am seriously dealing with that and if i do not have one by the end of august then i will no longer be living in nashville. i will move out and take only the things i need. i have already told this to brett. please leave me alone about it now. it depresses me to the point that i really want to do things that are dangerous to myself. i don't like feeling this way. there is only one thing that would make me feel better these days and even though i said i wasn't in love with stacy i lied because i thought it would help me. it didnt. if i had a place to stay down there i would go to mississippi to be with stacy. i know thats where she is and she is wanting to come back to nashville but does not have the means to get back here. she is at her moms right now. i know this because i talked to her mom. i love her now more than anything and have loved her since the day that i declared my love for her. so yeah that is the only thing that would make me move out at this current point in time. i have no place to go. nuff said.
My reply:
This isn't about where you would go, it's about the current situation as it is now. And no, I won't leave you alone about it. You say your going to get a job but even when I was down there, you went out one time to go job hunting and that was before you even lost your information. You go and tell Brett one thing and go ahead and tell me something else that is similar or not at all. You did a good job making me paranoid about you before I left to come back to Ohio. You told Brett in the rant that you will get a job on your own... well, that was before we even offered to get you your information any time soon, so how the hell were you planning on getting a job? And even getting the new computer parts and having Anthony pay for them, instead of asking if you could use the money for your information so you could get them yourself, shows me something in itself. You say you are seriously dealing with that, well show me the effort at least because I see the bare minimum to make people and probably yourself believe you are trying. And honestly, right now, I am to the point, I don't care anymore. And so what, you're depressed. Well, guess what, I'm depressed too. But at least I am working on mine and getting better. Get over your self pity! I gave you the advice before that if you are depressed, do something about. Don't give me the bs that you can't and other excuses because that's what they are. When you first moved in, Brett and I both thought it was going to be temporary. You didn't even tell us you was in trouble before and couldn't get your own place. And then at a later time, when I wasn't around, you told Brett. You never told me, never. I'm sorry but I would kind of like to know if someone is planning on living with me and my boyfriend for a longer time then implied at the beginning. And you said you were going to clean until you got a job, I saw the bare minimum being done around the apartment by you over the months. It changes every once in a while when you please and have a little cleaning rampage. I'm tired of seeing the situation being taken advantage of, especially Brett being taken advantage of. I am tired of the excuses. And hmm, even in your reply to my message, you just give more excuses, along with a guilt trip. Well, it doesn't work because I don't care anymore. And why do you think I care to hear about you and Stacy when I am considering telling you to leave? I have my own drama to deal with, I don't need your's. I don't want to listen about your problems and don't have to, especially when there is only one or two other people right now who I would take on their problems. It's pretty bad, when I am down there, I feel like we have a child living in the apartment, instead of an adult. I have went over this situation many, many times and my message/offer is reasonable, considering 30 days is standard eviction notice time and it gives you a month to find someplace else. I was being as nice as possible about the whole thing until you messaged me back with excuses and drama. Show some effort with results, or get out. The whole "if I don't have a job within three months" (which you told Brett) or the "if I don't have a job by the end of August" things are not working anymore. I need to know and need to know now. Not then! We are planning on moving at the beginning of August so we can get the other room ready for the baby and get our apartment put together. I don't want excuses! I want something that works for me, or you can leave and that's what it comes down to anymore.
Tiffany
And, Nagey, if you are going to actually make a request of Brett not to have sex for a couple of days, you might want to have the nerve to make the same request of me. But when it comes down to it, you are living there in an apartment where Brett pays the rent, is on the lease, pays all the bills and for the food you consume... I don't think you have a right to request anything dealing with his sex life. Another thing, don't criticize me on how I talk to Brett or tell him what to do, if he has a problem with it, he can say something. It's not your place, friend or not. There is a reason why I say most of the things I do and he usually knows the reason behind it, so mind your own business there.
I am SO tired of excuses!!!
Sire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
03:20 Jun 20 2007
Times Read: 941
SIRE, SIRE, SIRE, SIRE, SIRE, SIRE, SIRE, SIRE, SIRE, SIRE!!!!!!!!!!
I am SO freakin' happy! I made sire today! Woohoo!
Bottom up... I couldn't resist.
ToiletDuc:
21:53:17 - Jun 19 2007
Mmm..... Thai peanut chicken and rice noodles.
Bl00dPrincess:
21:52:33 - Jun 19 2007
youre welcome
DireConsequences:
21:52:19 - Jun 19 2007
thanks!
Bl00dPrincess:
21:51:42 - Jun 19 2007
way to go
DireConsequences:
21:51:12 - Jun 19 2007
out of the blue but what the heck... I just got Sire!!!!!!
IFsadnessHADaCHILD:
21:50:30 - Jun 19 2007
mmmmmm pancakes
********************************
Oh and words of advice, DON'T jump up and down from excitement when you are 18 weeks pregnant! It doesn't feel too good!
PRIVATE ENTRY
09:34 Jun 18 2007
Times Read: 942
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
Conclusions
09:13 Jun 18 2007
Times Read: 943
I have started to come to some conclusions lately, now whether they are true or not, I cannot really say for sure.
1. Miracles can happen, even when you doubt.
-This is being proven because Brett and I are seeing eye to eye and agreeing on some things right now without any kind of argument being included in the discussion. It happened three times last night. 0.o
2. Friends will always take advantage of your kindness, if you let them.
-We have been finding this out over and over again.
3. People will mislead a couple, telling each a different 'story.'
-It's happened in my family, some of my friends relationships, and now with Brett and I from Nagey doing it.
4. Some people just cannot let go of something, but try to get it back or destroy it.
-Hmm, the Tommy thing right now. I swear he is just trying to make me worry or paranoid. One of the two or maybe both...
5. Some pregnancies are just a pain in the butt, just depends on the person's body.
-Every time the baby moves right now, it either causes pain or uncomfortableness.
Baby Stuff
03:02 Jun 18 2007
Times Read: 944
I have been looking for deals on baby stuff since we are trying to save up as much money as possible.
I am going to beat Brett though! LOL! I love him to death but not all the links I send him are for him to message, just to get his opinion on them. I mean I want to know if he would like something possibly like that.
I do want to buy a brand new mattress if we get a crib that is used. I don't feel comfortable with our baby using a mattress that was used, no matter what the condition of it.
We know we want a crib and a bassinet. But like I told him, the bassinet is more important right now. The baby can stay in the bassinet for months, and then we can get a crib later on. It wouldn't be that hard to do so and it would be a little more practical.
I miss him and want to be with him right now, so badly but I know how much I need to get everything done up here. *sniffles* I can last until the beginning of July.
PRIVATE ENTRY
10:23 Jun 17 2007
Times Read: 946
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
Damn Cats
03:48 Jun 14 2007
Times Read: 949
Nala is currently torturing a mouse on my floor. She's proud of herself and is making the mouse suffer before killing it.
Oh yay!
It make the situation even better, the kittens, all five of them, are now moving around and starting to explore!
It was getting ready to storm earlier and the mama cat, Spunky, wasn't gathering up her kittens.
I fixed them! All five of them! Hehe!
After playing an Easter egg hunt with kittens instead of eggs all through the higher grass... I grabbed a damn box I was planning on using for my craft stuff and put them in it!
The box is just high enough that Spunky can get to her kittens and they can't get out!
Yay!
That is the last thing I need, the one kitten likes hiding under my car. I seriously doubt I could handle the guilt of accidentally killing it because it got up under my engine.
I have done it before, once. It isn't the best sight, especially when you are planning on keeping that particular kitten.
Cats and kittens, they are driving me insane.
And Goatfucker has a gash on the side of his head from a fight with another animal. I think it's from last night, something was after the kittens. He actually defended them! Amazing. He usually goes after my other cats. LOL! And he usualy gets hit by a small rock!
Missing
03:00 Jun 14 2007
Times Read: 952
I want my Brett Brett!
I am thinking more and more about taking my mom up on her offer, even though it would kind of be a waste of money and the car issue.
Problem is I know we wouldn't work on the problems that we need to work on. We would put it off and we would fall into our routines and habits.
I miss him like crazy and want to be with him right now, especially right now since I am so emotional and have been breaking down.
But would it be worth it?
I seriously doubt it. Yes, we would get to see each other and everything. But at least with me being up here and two computer screens between us, we might have a chance at working on the problems instead of them getting worse.
I don't want this to be the end of us!
Wanting to Cry
01:39 Jun 14 2007
Times Read: 955
I am guessing the internet was shut off down there too, either that or Brett is ignoring or avoiding me. I wouldn't blame him.
I talked to my mom and Uncle Bill (Uncle Bill saw me break down a little today for the first time), but I might be staying up here. It depends on what happens between me and Brett. Like my mom said, I have to make a choice and it needs to be what's best for the baby, not what's best for me and not what it's best for Brett.
My mom offered me to go back down to Nashville as soon as possible. Only thing is I would have to ride the bus and she would go with me and ride back. I just don't know how my car would get down there and we seriously need a car in Nashville. I told her no though because I don't want to waste the money and maybe it is best for me to stay up here since Brett and I talk better over the internet or phone then we do in person. *We need to change that!*
If I don't go back down, I can live over at Uncle's Bill house and he will pay for my utilities. The only thing I would have to pay for is $500 rent, which isn't bad since everything else would be paid for. I could get on welfare and get the medical card since I would be taken off of Brett's insurance because I wouldn't be living with him. It's doable though and an option.
I have come to the decision one of the things making me paranoid and upset the most is Nagey. Mom, Uncle Bill, and even Courtney agree, if it is upsetting me so much then I do need to tell Brett that it is Nagey or me. And if he choses Nagey, then I will just stay up here. I am tired of the excuses though and everything else. It's bullshit. We are trying to save for a baby with an unwanted child in the apartment. That's the best way to explain it. He eats more than me. That's sad since I can eat more than Brett and I'm the one pregnant! 0.o That's just kind of disturbing.
But I need to see what is upsetting me and eliminate the causes. I can't risk not taking care of myself now, I do have to think about the baby. My mental health is important at this point in time and I am willing to admit I need help. I am going to make an appointment, either for down in Nashville or up here in Ohio, to see an OB/GYN about my depression. They will probably have me see a therapist or psychiatrist, or possibly both. Both if they put me on any kind of medication, I will have to be monitored, along with the baby. Up here, I already have a therapist and had a psychiatrist, but the clinic knows me. Down there I would have to go through the trouble of finding ones I somewhat like. The medication helped me before when I was this bad, and I have been trying to help myself, yet failing each time I start to succeed with it.
Maybe this can all work out in the end. Maybe we are not as good as done, even though it feels like that to me right now. I love him so much and don't want to lose him or even risk it. I did last night, well this morning. But I don't even know how I can make it through the next months without him by my side. God, and I want him to be there when his child is born. If I'm in Ohio, he will probably miss it and have some kind of trouble getting here to meet his son or daughter. I don't want that. I seriously doubt he does either. I think we are just both scared, him included. I think we need to talk and get some things out in the open. What makes us uncomfortable, what makes us happy, what makes us feel better, what irritates us, etc...
I think it might be hard to get those answers but if we did, wouldn't it be for the better?
PRIVATE ENTRY
19:41 Jun 13 2007
Times Read: 956
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
Lost, Completely
08:47 Jun 13 2007
Times Read: 958
The one night I need him the most and he gets offline leaving me alone completely, knowing I have been thinking about ending everything with him tonight.
I am so lost right now. There are four outcomes to this...
1) We talk about it all and we become closer, learning how to help each other, or more than likely me teaching him how to deal with me.
2) We talk about it all, I try to teach how to deal with me, and in return I distance myself even more from him.
3) We talk about it and decide to take a break.
4) We say fuck it and end it.
I seriously don't want to end it. I think one of the reasons why it is crossing my mind so much tonight is because I want to run. He has been helping me deal with the past some, defiantly the urges and I want to run. Maybe I feel like i need the cravings in the back of my mind consuming me at times.
I have been letting certain things get to me tonight, not even about my past or the cravings, even though the cravings are strong as hell. The urge to cut is strong as hell too but I am not cutting! I don't want to lose my baby! I don't want to lose Brett either but right now I don't know what to do or what to think.
I have distanced myself from him and every time I go to distance myself even more, he does nothing to stop it, or at least I don't see the effort. It might be there though.
I tried to let him know how to make me feel better before. When I am scared shitless, depressed, wanting to cut, wanting to run and hide, and crying, I DO NOT WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE! What did he even do tonight, I started crying and breaking down again, I basically told him and he got offline. Does he know he made me put the distance back between us? That my walls are up again?
I feel even more horrible about my thoughts of asking him to chose Nagey or me. I swore to myself that I would never do that to someone.
Time Out
03:47 Jun 13 2007
Times Read: 963
I am seriously starting to think about calling a time out and not having any contact with him for a few days until I cool down. I need him right now and I know I do. But I am pissed at him.
He knows we are having money problems, they both do. But every time I try to tell him something, explain it, or even resort to a mind game to make him realize, what happens? It repeats! I am beginning to think it is useless. I am so fuckin' tempted to say we are done. I think I am even more tempted to become like a normal human and girl and actually say, "me or him." That's sad!
But he knows we are having money problems and that we need to save for the baby. And what does he do? Buys tobacco for Nagey! And gets something at Dell when he knows he should be packing a lunch to save money.
The tobacco is what really gets to me! Nagey even told me that he was going to stop smoking cigarettes. Okay, he told Brett the same. But he went even further to tell me that he was going to quit until he gets a job. He never mentioned it to Brett. I am seriously getting tired of him! I think my mom is right, that before the deal ends, I am going to want him out and it is going to get between me and Brett. He is doing just like James in having someone else support his fuckin' nasty habit. I'm sorry but I am tired of smelling smoke in the apartment because he smokes so much in his room. He couldn't even last not smoking the cigarettes because I caught him smoking ones he picked up off the ground! Great way of sticking to your word! Really great!
I'm about to just say that I am staying up here until he gets out on his own. Plain and simple.
When it comes down to the point I am about to call it quits with Brett, who was trying to help out a friend by spending money, that's when something really needs to change or be done. I am tired of it all and about to actually make my journal open to the public again just so Nagey can see what I think of him at this point in time! Yes, I am becoming a bitch! I am tired of hearing about his drama about Stacy and Shannon. I am tired of him expecting me to give advice. I am tired of him. I am blocking him tonight! Done! Done! I don't care to deal with any more of his depression when I have my own to deal with, thank you very much!
I hate these thoughts! Especially the one of breaking it off with Brett when I really need him, over someone else who is beginning to bother me so much.
It does kind of cause paranoia if you tell one person one thing and the other person something different. Really does. I think it is justifiable paranoia too!
I'm done with his drama!
Assisted Suicide
09:04 Jun 11 2007
Times Read: 967
I am placing this in here for my own reference...
My reply:
Yeah but food and bills come first. The cost here is about $30-$40.
And in most cases where the patient is in a coma or a vegetative state, the doctors can't even say for sure whether the patient is in pain or not.
My mom is a registered nurse with her BSN and has been working in the long term care unit for over 17 years. She is often the charge nurse so she makes the call on whether to attempt to bring back a patient or not when they code. I actually saw a guy who was in constant pain and his skin was literally like moss, it seemed something out of a horror movie but it was from Agent Orange exposure. It was terrible to see him suffer but he wanted to live. They actually caught a doctor trying to convince him that dying was the answer to his problems. That is what most doctors like doctor Kavorkian try to do, convince their patients or their families that the patient is better off dead. They justify it by saying they ended their suffering. Whose to say that those patients wanted to be killed before he started having any kind of influence over their lives?
I think assisted suicide is a good thing with an evaluation done of each situation. There has to be limitations on it. I, for one, don't want to be killed or the plug pulled on me, even if I am suffering. The only time I want to die is if during delivery my child's life is in danger. I want the father to chose the baby over me. That's the only case that I want to die.
xfallenxstarx
04:01:34
Jun 11 2007
Everyone's different...
the shelter was only $25 to drop an animal off to Euth. it.
We all have differing points of views. Not trying to sound like a smartass but right before my grandma died the fam had to decide whether or not to pull the plug. Since she wanted to be a DNR (do not resuscitate) they knew she just wanted to die if the only other option was to be a vegetable for the rest of her "life" in a nursing home. They knew that wasn't what she wanted at all. She died basically around the time the decision to pull the plug was made... I was raised in the nursing home environment, my mother's a Registered Nurse...
I see how sad it is and how the families suffer too...
Honestly I want someone to pull the plug if I am suffering and in pain.
On 08:49:58 Jun 11 2007 DireConsequences wrote:
Um sweetie, try having no money to put a dying kitten down and having no choice but taking a sledge hammer and bashing it's brains in. I know the feeling of killing an animal to put it out of it's misery. I do look at my animals as human beings. Hell, I get along with animals better. But I wouldn't want any kind of doctor around my loved ones trying to convince them it would be better if they did assisted suicide. I have done reports on it and even talked to people who wanted it done. I have also seen many people who were terminally ill suffer... they didn't want someone to put them out of their misery. My mom works in a long-term care unit at a hospital. I get close to the patients, only a few have actually wanted the plug pulled when it got too much. The others wanted to stay until the end. I know my beliefs from life experiences. I know the subject well.
On 08:42:39 Jun 11 2007 xfallenxstarx wrote:
well I'll close it before they do... but I have my beliefs on this stuff... Euthanizing animals *yeah I know it's just a puppy or a kitty not a human*
well to those of us that relate better to puppies and kitties, they ARE humans to us...
pffffft... ok I'm done with my spiel... I don't think anyone will truly understand unless they held a needle to a living creature and watched it die in their hands...
On 08:40:01 Jun 11 2007 DireConsequences wrote:
There is a "Search Forums" option at the bottom of the forum page. It comes in handy when looking for threads on topics.
And it doesn't matter about the grammar or spelling. It was the original thread open on the topic. So just to warn you, a Dominar is probably going to RIA your thread on the subject.
On 08:29:07 Jun 11 2007 xfallenxstarx wrote:
I did think that I had posted mine first.
and not to sound rude... but the other person couldn't even spell Kavorkian right...
On 08:14:20 Jun 11 2007 DireConsequences wrote:
Hi. Not to sound rude or anything but there was a couple of reasons why I posted in that particular thread about doctor Kavorkian.
1) It was there before you posted your's and there is only supposed to be one thread open about a topic so your thread is a duplicate. (No offense intended)
2) There was more to go on and more people had posted their opinions.
Thought I would clear that up though of why I brought that one back. I did read your thread before I read that one, but only because of the two different dates.
*I think having to take a sledge hammer to a dying kitten's head is a lot worse then taking a needle to another animal and holding it as it dies. Especially when you love the kitten with all your heart and had to fight to get permission to keep the poor thing. Damn raccoon!*
Life07:42 Jun 11 2007
Times Read: 969
I can't sleep at this point in time, I am so tired but just stare at the ceiling. I might as well spend my time on here doing something, talking to someone, or helping them.
Brett and I have decided that I am going to take a kitten back to Nashville with me. It's a little girl. She's so cute! She doesn't like the sun and likes to stay in the cool darker places. She is also antisocial with the other little kittens (there is four of them). She kind of reminds me of a vampire in a way. So we are trying to think of a female vampire name that we can both agree on. Here she is though:
She will probably still be nursing but I am allowed to feed her with an eyedropper until I get her down there. It's an eight hour trip but with my Uncle Bill driving (if he gets to go), it will be cut down a lot in time, even with the pit stops for me to walk, go to the bathroom, and get something to eat/drink. But there are four other little kittens that must go too and I have no one to take them. I actually just posted a thread on the forum on here.
Another thing on my mind right now is how close I am to Sire. I am 83% right now but that is with the help of the mark of sight from Daire, without his mark I am only 50% completed with level 26. But Brett and I have been talking about if and when I do make Sire, without considering Daire's mark, about possibly starting a coven. I know I am a far way off but not really, if I really set my mind to it I could probably reach Sire within a couple of months, if that. Only thing that I don't like is leaving my house. I like it there. But this is kind of something that I do want to do and it would also be something that Brett and I could both work on together. I already know of a representation and a coven name. But I think I am seriously jumping the gun on this at this point in time. Thought I would mention it though.
Also, the Ohio Valley is buzzing about a doctor who works, well worked at my mother's hospital. He threatened the patients and led police on a high speed chase, which ran two school buses off the road. He was arrested on May 24, 2007 and Homeland Security was called in on May 26th. There was material or scriptures linking him to devil worship in his car, along with a notebook with different poisons listed in it. He had a hit list of hospital employees and also a plan to bomb another hospital, I guess. My mom's hospital is now going on a lock down and security is going to be placed in and around the buildings. I'm sorry but it sounds like it is more than just a threat from a doctor! Especially since that doctor is locked up right now! Some people around here are saying he might be linked to a terrorist group and that is why Homeland Security was called in. Sad thing is I wouldn't doubt it. Or my theory is maybe he was planning on unleashing some biological diseases into the hospitals or the area here. It would make sense. Seeing as he is a doctor, he would be able to get access to the specimens needed. After that, the rest would have been easy for him. All he would have really had to do was introduce it into one of his patients. It would have spread to the nurses, hospital employees, visitors, and then to their families and then to anyone who came into contact with the infected people. Makes sense, doesn't it? And yes, biological warfare was something my dad and I discussed at one time!
I have been trying to pack and clean but I keep on getting distracted or I can't seem to get motivated. I know I have to go through everything and decide on what's going with me and what's staying. I am boxing up some of my clothes to stay here for after the baby is born, and others that I can't wear or doubt I will wear, I am giving to Good Will. There is nothing wrong with them, I just don't wear them. I have too many clothes. Good Will is getting almost a complete closet full! I am also trying to decide what craft stuff to take with me. I want to take my fabrics, colored paper, card stock, and carbon paper for sure, along with some other things. I have to take my embroidery things back down with me since I brought them up. *sighs* Too much to transport and not enough room. We are only taking my car, or hooking my car on my Uncle Bill's automobile and packing the back with some more things.
Approved!!
18:42 Jun 09 2007
Times Read: 970
Cancer just approved my acolyte application!
I am now the thirteenth acolyte on Vampire Rave since the test has been released!
Yes, I am unbelievably excited about this!
Holy Crappers!
17:34 Jun 09 2007
Times Read: 971
I passed! I passed! *does happy dance*
You passed the test with a score of 95%.
Your application has been sent to Cancer for final approval.
Oh so happy! This was the third time I took the test! I was finally calm enough to relax while taking it, instead of feeling like it was high school test!
I am still oh so surprised!
Wow! 0.o
Issues as of the Last Two Months
09:54 Jun 07 2007
Times Read: 972
Since I have been depressed the last couple of months, I thought I would make some kind of list of the issues on my mind and add to it within the next couple of days. It is helping me to look at one issue at a time, either by myself or with the help of my mother or Brett.
Anyway, here is the list so far:
1. Open adoption, being financially unstable, and Brett or myself becoming emotionally unstable.
2. The Nagey situation - I see it as he is using Brett and taking advantage of the situation, and it needs to stop.
3. Brett's immaturity at times and distancing myself from him - It gets in the way of other things and he doesn't stop me from distancing myself when I do it.
4. Money problems - Enough said.
5. A place to live
6. Bills, bills, and more bills
7. College - I was supposed to graduate at this time.
8. Family drama - Self-explanatory.
9. Thoughts of the past
10. The ever so many fears of the future!
Now, maybe I can look at these rationally and work on my depression more and more and get better. Hey now, at least I told Brett that I need help this time. I hate accepting help, let alone admitting I need it.
PRIVATE ENTRY
08:25 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 973
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This is Wanted by Brett
03:18 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 975
He wants a rant, well I guess he is going to get it whether it hurts our relationship or not. I did talk to my mom some about it and she agrees with me even though she understands where Brett was coming from last time. She warned me that if I bring it up to him that it could end up in one of us resenting the other. I am terrified of that outcome but *shrugs* Brett wants to know what is going on and it is going to hurt us and our relationship either way. If I keep it to myself I am just going to distance myself more and more from him, preparing for the worse case which would be us ending. I am tired of feeling like shit and even when I talked to him about the situation, not telling him what was in here just letting him know there is a problem, I was crying hopelessly. I don't even see a solution. I tried to offer different ones before when we were looking at apartments. Every time I did, Brett said they weren't options because of Nagey's past. The thing that started it all was when Nagey lost his apartment with Zero and first moved in, I was lead to believe he would only be living with us until he got his own job and saved the money to move out. Looks like that not happening and it was fair from the truth. He never even told me about the problems he had in his past and still hasn't. I find that kind of ignorant that he tells Brett this stuff but fails to mention it to me even though it does effect me, just as much. He didn't even have enough respect for me to inform me of his situation. That makes me mad there. It's like the sex thing, he requested it from Brett, instead of talking to both of us. What the hell? I'm not mad at Brett though because he never knew Nagey didn't tell me and he assumed I knew. I think if I knew I would have said something way back when concerning it. Before I left, it felt like I was living with Tim, a freeloading kid that never grew up so takes advantage of other friends or family member who will put up with it.
As for a solution to it, I seriously doubt there is one that Brett and I will agree to without resentment being involved. I know he is Brett's friend and I understand he wants to help him. But you can only help someone so much, especially when they abuse that help which is what is happening.
I think the only solution is for us to give him the money to get his birth certificate and an identification card and give him a certain time span to get a job or he's out. That's the only thing I can think of anymore.
When I last discussed this with Brett, I came up with apartments where he could get one as long as he didn't make over a certain limit. He could get a minimum wage job and be able to pay the rent, bills, groceries, and have a little left over if he knows how to save properly. I thought it was a good idea since he keeps on saying he wants his own place and things. It would have let Brett and me save some money for the baby too, especially only needing a two bedroom apartment, yet again. But nope, can't work because of the shit in his past.
So it seriously does seem like the only solution is for us to pay for the forms of identification and tell him get a job in this time or go. It's basically what Brett did with James but it irks me because he is willing to put up with it from Nagey. I think it is because he doesn't have the temper or smart ass remarks that James did. But since time has past by, Nagey makes certain remarks that get to me just as bad, or Alex does.
I think it is just best for me to stay up here for now until Brett and I agree upon something, whether it is the worse case or not. I know if I go back down to Nashville that I won't be able to keep my mouth shut as soon as Nagey, Alex, or whoever says something the wrong way to me. I will state what I have to say bluntly and within anger. It will do more harm than good. i miss Brett so much but I don't want to just stress him out even more. And I am crying yet again, even now. I know this all seems like I am asking him to choose his friend or me. That's not the case. I am just trying to say there has to be some sort of limitation to how much we try to help friends. There has to be limitations, doesn't there?
Maybe it is kind of bad to say this but if it was Courtney or Jared, I would have already told them to leave... I mean come on, if they are true friend and not just using someone, they should understand after a while, especially with a baby on the way and money problems everywhere.
And hey, at least this wasn't an angry rant, an emotional one, yes, but not angry like the last one.
Something has to be done though.
Baby Update!
01:42 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 977
Before I forget I am writing an entry about my OB/GYN appointment yesterday.
The baby is doing fine and my mom got to listen to it's heart beat with me. It had a completely normal heart rate.
I talked to the doctor about the multiple questions on my mind. He answered the one about insomnia and what I can do there. He said we can probably find out the gender of the baby next month, depending on where I am at the time and which doctor I am seeing. And he supports me in my move to Nashville even though he will miss me. He also stated that not all doctors do the routine ultrasound to check on everything at 20 weeks so if I go to Nashville before July 9th, it is up in the air of whether or not I will get it done.
I have no clue when I am going back to Nashville at this point in time.
Oh and I got the nerve to talk to my mom about the open adoption thing. She said that if I become emotionally unstable, if Brett does, or if we can't handle it, I am to call her and either she will come and get my baby or I will bring it up to her. She said she will see at that time if my Grandmama will come and watch the baby while her and Uncle Bill are at work. She doesn't want me doing the open adoption thing because it will be harder to get my child back. I can understand that.
Brett's family will do the same thing, except I don't want them to know about my mental problems or history. I seriously doubt that will make the best impression. He said that if we do it with his family, he will say it is because he is emotionally unstable since they know about his problems.
So that is one thing we have figured out! One down and so many more to go!
Last Night
01:30 Jun 06 2007
Times Read: 978
Last night I got a surprise. I talked to Daire about something mentioned in our house about the number of favors earned and his mark. The person who said it was right and he granted the mark of sight to me. I am excited about it! I was about to call Brett last night just to tell him but I waited considering I sometimes call him early in the morning anyway. I have been in The House of Caomhnóir-an-Eolas since around the time the societies started. It was in December and right before Christmas. I was so excited I was inducted that I was jumping up and down, yelling I was inducted! LOL! My mom thought I was losing it, especially since I woke her up by my yelling.
But I haven't let getting the mark get in my way of earning more favors for the house, especially during this time of rejuvenating it to hopefully what it once was or better. Since I earned the mark last night I have earned 130 favors today, just to celebrate! LOL! I am still sticking to my goal of earning 20 favors every day I log onto VR, even if it is just to check my messages. So far, it's going good.
The mark of sight also jumped me up to 20% of level 27 completed when I was at 90% level 25 completed.
What was on my Mind
03:22 Jun 04 2007
Times Read: 980
I was very depressed for the past couple of months, just got into a slump of a thought-pattern. Well after the whole "Brett satisfying some of the craving" thing, the depression has started to resolve itself. My nightmares are gone and the urge to cut has disappeared for the most part (thank god!).
One thing that was bothering me when down in Nashville was Nagey. I don't know how to really explain it but he was seriously getting on my nerves. He says he wants a job, yet in the three weeks I was down there... he only went job hunting one time and only for a little over a couple of hours. Conveniently, he lost his wallet with his birth certificate in it so he can't get a job, yet again! He can't move out because of past problems where he is facing a fine and jail time. But come on! We all need to face our past sometime, especially when we are putting more on people who care. I do care about him but it is just bothering me. I made an entry last month about him not wanting Brett and I to have sex for a couple of days... that still bothers me! I'm sorry but Brett pays the rent and is on the lease, we are engaged, and if we want to have sex, it's none of his business or anyone else's! That pisses me off! And even though he still doesn't have a job, he doesn't clean for the most part. He is either online or sleeping. It's getting on my nerves! Before I left down there, he got on me about telling Brett not to do little things that irritate me. I'm sorry but Brett knows it irritates me and yeah if he has a problem with me telling him to stop something, he can tell me himself. He is twenty years old after all, and I think he has his own mind and a mouth that can form words! Another thing, when I am depressed, get a clue! I don't like people trying to make conversation with me or hovering over me! It pisses me off and makes me resent them. It's called personal space... either learn it or we are going to have a lot more problems. Even when I brushed him off, he still came back, over and over again! Get a clue! It's pretty bad when I have to pretend to be asleep in the living room just so you will go back into your room and leave me be. I will come to your room if I feel like discussing anything! Thanks!
Right now, I am tolerating him. The only reason I am doing so is because of Brett and I don't want to cause problems between me and him.
Wow even tonight I have to listen to him complain and/or bitch! Here is the message he just sent to me...
"WitheredSoulLeftRotting
21:41:41
Jun 03 2007
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Block User
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i'm mad at you....not cleaning up that fat making it stink in the kitchen thus permeating the whole house with a nasty funky smell that resembled old rotten women...don't ask how i know what that smells like i just do."
Hmm, I'm sorry that I was nice enough to stay up until 6 in the morning to make stew for you and Brett! And as for leaving the little bit of fat on the plate in the kitchen... well it's the first time I have done anything like that. You have done it more than once! Maybe I had more on my mind at six in the morning than cleaning up the mess from making the stew! You know, that does go with the clean-up duty and yet, I don't think you understand that.
God, he irritates me. I refuse to even talk to Brett about the situation right now. I don't want it to be the end of us. I would rather start cutting because I can't deal than lose him in my life. I tried talking to him before about it... when he finally informed me that Nagey couldn't get his own place, even though it would be for the best. He got offended. He doesn't want to "throw him out" or "leave him on the streets." In my opinion, he is worse than James because Brett doesn't see that he is just using him. He pulls the wool over Brett's eyes and he doesn't even realize it. He told James he had to get a job or he was out, yet he makes exceptions, repeatedly for Nagey! I don't know what I am going to do when I go back and have to deal with it again. I would rather live with my Uncle Bill at this point than Nagey. I am just tired of this whole situation, tired of him, and holding on because I love one damn guy too much to jeopardize our relationship, especially since I am carrying his child and planning on marrying him one day.
**Who knows, since I actually typed this much out, I might have the balls to send it to Brett later on so he can see what the hell was and is on my mind. Nothing is going to change unless it is confronted, I know that and understand it. I am just scared of how he is going to take it, if I do let him read it. I am scared shitless. Great feeling! Oh so great!
Back in Ohio
05:25 Jun 03 2007
Times Read: 982
I got back in Ohio about 6:43 yesterday morning. And there is defiantly a such thing as TOO MUCH sex!!! Brett started a new game though. LOL! If he wants his blow job, he has to make me lose my will power. It's easier said than done, and I think he would completely agree.
PRIVATE ENTRY
10:17 Jun 01 2007
Times Read: 985
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